I have changed as a friend. Years ago, I could be a drain. I also loved when I could fix my friends. It was codependency behavior. I liked to be the giver. I liked to be owed. I liked to get credit for being a “nice” person. I would also join your bitchfest and get on your team, the bandwagon against whoever you disliked at the time, and then I’d wonder later why I did my chameleon thing again. The people pleaser, “like me” version of me wasn’t evil or anything, but very lost at times. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was just needy. I wanted to be nice all the time, amidst the chaos brewing within my mind. I had rage, anger, and self-hate raging within over the littlest things, making it hard to be me. I needed things outside of myself for happiness. I needed to feel a sense of control, because inside I felt out of control and that life was harsh. I tried to force friends. If people pushed me away, I’d pull harder. If someone was cold towards me or I didn’t win them over, I’d chase them or hate them. . .secretly, of course. And if you were my friend, you couldn’t be friends with them, and if you were I’d feel betrayed. How dare someone not like me! My issues with myself showed up in my relationships obviously. You had to agree with me or I took your differing opinion as making me wrong. I had friends in million dollar homes and was embarrassed if they’d come to my house. What will they think was always my mantra playing like a bad jingle on the radio. I needed you, as my friend, to think everything in my world was good and this was also about how you saw my kids. This is what unhappiness looked like, but you couldn’t see it because I put on a show. I was also afraid friends would leave and walked on eggshells in my mind. I gave them a role I played, not a person.
When I made a new life for myself, as I reinvented-remembered-created-discovered who I was, some friendships fell away and it hurt. We were not on the same vibe anymore. I was sick of talking about the weather. I wanted to talk big dreams and love and life and joy and God. Some people I realized didn’t really want to know me. At first, I had to vilify them and make them bad. My spirit guidance through my intuition told me to send them love and wish them well. It wasn’t personal. To trust it was for my highest good. Those friends that were no longer in the picture were not part of the next chapter. I was too much or not enough for them. I see looking back now to the past three+ years that I wouldn’t be where I’m at if I kept myself small and played the role of the housewife. This fabulous creature you see now had to be let out of her self-imposed cage. In the lonely times where I felt like an outsider, misfit, and outcast led me to become BFF’s with God. That inner dork within morphed like a butterfly into the goddess-love-rebel-badass who sparkled. I saw my friends I still had through different eyes and without any competition. Not gonna lie, it still felt weird or awkward when a friend unfriended me on Facebook. It all helped me grow though. Beauty is, I attracted and continue to find the most amazing soul sisters in the world. I don’t need them, but I love them. They are the sprinkles (jimmies) on my ice cream cone. They rock. I’m blessed to have one best friend since 1990 and the other since 1996. Along with my sister, they’ve loved all the versions of me. They know I’m the one to call if you need a hug, some cheering on, advice from a spiritual perspective, or a wisdom-filled pep talk.
Now, I stand in my own truth with you and know all the jizz-jazz-razz-matazz from the past was me looking for self-love. I had to work on that and then I became a true friend, no strings attached with no agenda or scorecard. I don’t being drama to the table, I bring fun. I won’t play victim, even if I’m working on something. I know that I am of the greatest assistance to my friends, when I share my truth and honor theirs. I consider these connections as sacred and I cherish them. I had to become a good friend to myself and then I could be a great friend to others.